I can remember when it started: I was just five years old. It was first mild but became worst when I turned nine. It broke into little pieces, my already weakened self esteem. She was in primary five and I was in primary one. She is my immediate elder sister and I am the last born of the family.
Growing up, I got not much attention from my parents. So, I kept most of my thoughts, fears and feelings to myself.
I was not close to my Mom who is often at home with us. And Dad is a shadow that disappears at the sight of a bright light. He was always out of town. So, I grew up not as Mom’s or Dad’s kid. My immediate elder sister and I shared the same room. I was closer to her, she took the place of my parents in my heart. I loved and respected her. She was just like a god to me.
Being an innocent and timid kid, I was always scared of sleeping in the dark. But my sisters love the light off. They would say sleeping in the dark gives them a sound sleep. I and my immediate elder sister shared the single bed in our room. I remember she would touch me at night, she seemed to enjoy it and she would tell me to hush up because it wasn’t bad. She knew I love and respect her and she took advantage of this.
I used to have a very low self esteem, I was scared of my Mom, because she was so strict. She would order everyone with a thunderous voice around the house. She would criticize, and scold us severely. All my life, I tried to avoid her. I did not have the courage to face her or talk to her.
I don’t have a wicked mother, but one strict to a fault. And she was hard on me more than she was on others, for a reason I find so hard to know.
I didn’t enjoy the warmth a child enjoys in mother. I did not get much of her love and care. She always overreact and takes things overboard. Sometimes I feel she do these because Dad is always away and she fear we might have a void a father should have filled in our lives, if she is not strict in her dealings with us.
This made me yield to Sister’s warning.
“Never tell this to anyone.” She would say.
The truth is, I couldn’t. I was closer to her, she is my confidant. We played together. In fact, I was fond of her, people called us twins, we had a strong link holding us, yet, she would “sex” me.
When I turned Nine, I was in primary four. It got worse. She touched me every night. That was my worst nightmare. Most times I pray the sun should delay its setting, to make us sleep late. Or that she should fall sick, because she did not do that to me whenever she was.
My performance at school dwindled. I cannot really tell how I felt. Maybe I was too young too explain my feelings. But I knew, I was not myself. Depression haunted me down.She slept with me, every night. Squeezed my just sprouting breast. It was so painful.
Life became a war with the wind. Like venting your anger at a thing that does not feel it and does not care how angry you are. I was annoyed but I could express my feelings to no one. I dropped from first to fifth position in my class. My parents blamed me for being not serious.
The thought of all that happened the previous night and all that will happen that night played every time in my head while in class. I could not concentrate. I became scared to mingle with people. My social skill became dead, as well as my emotions .
Unfortunately for me, it did not end there. I never knew my nightmare had just began.
Two girls, daughters of our church member, began to come to our house during public holidays and weekends to play. The eldest of the two is two years younger than me. Oftentimes, it is just us in the whole house. Under the supervision of no adult. Mom would be at work, and big Sis would not be around. Their parents would be at work, believing their kids are in safe hands. They never knew their kids were treading the path to self destruction.
I just turned nine and was in primary four. On several occasions, my Sister “slept” with the eldest of the two while she would tell me. No! “Force” me to watch, because if I were only told and not forced I would not yield to her leadings.
Then when She is done, she would order me and the girl to do it together. She would command us and threaten us verbally. I remember we cried in the process. My Sister constantly “used” us at will.
The younger girl was lucky to escape the “torture”. It only happened between the three of us. Me, my sister, and the eldest of the two girls. Forcing young, innocent girls to do crazy things, to soothe those desires, feelings or cravings, outside their will, is sheer torture!
Gradually, the girl became addicted. She enjoyed it. She learnt how to do it well. She would close her eyes and moan with satisfaction. But I never did enjoy it, I was only used.
Lest I forget, my sister used to masturbate me and herself at nights. I remember when ever we are in the living room and my parents are present, she would wink at me and make gestures to let me know how much she look forward to do the stuff. This thing that Irritates me. But I am a prisoner and she is the jailer. I had no way of escape.It went on and on till I graduated from primary school.
In JSS1, our class teacher mentioned sexual abuse during new student orientation. She explained what it is and how females also abuse their female counterparts. She told stories of girls who were abused. One of those stories sounded like mine, and that got me worried. She taught us to speak up and to fight for ourselves, that struck a chord in my heart. I was a shy girl, I couldn’t confront people. I shake and tremble when talking to even my peers.
But I knew I had to take a step to earn my freedom. The next time my Sister did it with me, I wrote her a letter, telling her I would report to Dad and Mom. I just tried it, but it worked. I was scared of my parents, I wouldn’t have told them. I was glad that that scared her and she stopped. I felt stupid for staying willingly in bondage. I was sure the end had come when she changed school and left home to stay with one of our Aunts. The bond between us broke. My love and respect for her melted. We never became close again, and I got a mind of mine.
Currently, she knows how tough I can be. Yes, we are not close presently but we are cool.
I will draw the curtain now. This is the end of my story. Thanks a lot for reading this short piece about my life.
************************************
To touch the life of a girlchild,to reach to her and her generation,you can donate a book and a pad,towards the next rural outreach tour at Abuja,donations can be made to Olufunke Olabode,2110612038 Zenith bank. God blessings be with thee.
